"Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura" (sundowne36)
12/29/2013 at 04:48 • Filed to: None
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"Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura" (sundowne36)
12/29/2013 at 04:48 • Filed to: None | 1
| 12 |
Have some velocity stacks for your time.
Ngh…. You know, it does seem sad that I'm writing these random depressive posts, am I…? If it's so, you may merely dismiss it as some pathetic guy just being dramatic. I just don't care anymore. If you're not and you're more than willing to listen to this messy story, then I guess I can commend you, or something. Anyways..
The only reason I could type this is upon knowing I'm just shunned in everything. Family, friends, school – I mean, I guess I'm that tall Asian guy that people could treat like a commodity, right…? I admit it – I'm a failure who couldn't get through college without slacking off or finally feeling like I'm at the end of my rope… And the mere fact that everything is for nothing – I'm just spending money on food, games, even music to shun myself from the world, or rather, leaving myself locked in my own room and trying to think I have my world with me, just me, my computer, my laptop, my consoles….
Apparently, human trust feels like a distant thing from my own spirit.
Like I said, I'm just that throwaway person for other people's desires, I guess… I even let my own folks do so… at the same time as I see my younger broth-no, encourage my younger brother to succeed as well as trying to help my closest friends, I feel like I'm just not needed in this world. This probably means my mind has finally snapped, yeah…?
I only have a small group of people I care about – my grandparents, my friends, even my special support group, but I feel like I'm letting everyone down. For that…
… There are times I muttered, "I wish I wasn't born or I wish I didn't exist." That way, no one could bother or worry about me. Right now, I just want to cry to sleep.
Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/29/2013 at 04:55 |
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Mate.. I don't know what to say or how to say it.
But here goes, I never finished school, I haven't had a girlfriend for the last 13 years, I have days where I can't even stand meeting people not even my family or my best friends.
I know that won't help you a bit.. But mate, if you need someone to talk with. Just tell someone, if you can't/won't speak with a proffesional.. How about you talk with me?
joemcm
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/29/2013 at 05:22 |
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Damn dude, that's no fun.
Fellow depression sufferer here, I'm gonna hit you with just an ounce of tough Oppo love.
You can't be having a pity party for yourself. I used to have thoughts like that too, and did actually cry myself to sleep, more than I'd want to admit. I couldn't bear to go to work or school and the first time I saw my father cry was because he was upset about how depressed I was. When I look back on the last 4 or 5 years, it's pretty easy to throw that pity party, but I know it only leads to depression. Just a little back story so you don't think, "He doesn't know what it's like."
I do, and it's worse than anything I could've fathomed at the time.
The thing that keeps me going, keeps me out of those ruts is a chip on the shoulder. When depression set in, and fits of sadness and rage filled my days, I somehow managed to divert the negative energy towards developing an, "I'll show them," attitude that made me stronger. I wanted to show all the people that thought different of me after I became depressed that I wasn't this pariah they thought I was, but in fact, better than them. Because at the end of the day, the "Who cares what they think?" argument isn't worth a shit. People are everywhere, and what people think of you is going to effect how you feel. That's life. My focus turned to things I'm good at or enjoy like, writing, music, driving and exercise. Doing those things made me feel like a kick-ass person, and I began to get better at them. Then I'd display my skills, getting As on papers, watching friends hold on for dear life in my passenger seat, breaking personal records in the gym or seeing the look on people's faces the first time they heard me play. My sense of self-worth was restored, and now the struggle isn't as much of a struggle with depression as it is a struggle with ego. Now I need to focus on knowing I'm not invincible and not letting that pesky depression sneak back in and take over. It has a couple times, and it was fuckin ugly, but I came out and learned from it.
That's me in a nutshell, just out to show all the fukers that think I'm a worthless, depressed, freak how wrong they are. Satoshi, I hope my story helped you in some way. It's a long and shitty road, but professionals can help. I don't know how, but they do. My best advice is go find someone and stick with it. They'll help you, it's subtle and slow, but it works if you buy in. I hope you find your way out of this, it's not a fun place to be.
IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/29/2013 at 06:33 |
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I mean this in the best possible way but you need to seek out some professional help. I went through a long bought of depression similar to what you're describing here and I can tell you that speaking with a psychologist was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I didn't want to go, I was actually forced to go by my family and I'm glad they did. There is a giant stigma against seeing a shrink in this country which is one of the most destructive things imaginable. There is no shame in it, I suggest you make an appointment as soon as you can.
davedave1111
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/29/2013 at 07:39 |
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IANADoctor, but you're clearly suffering from an illness called depression. You should see a doctor about it, because not doing so is the equivalent of continuing to try and walk on a badly broken leg.
Even though depression affects your mind, not your body (directly), it's still a very real medical condition with treatments for it that will help if you want to get better.
If anyone - unlikely - gives you any shit about it, point out that depression is much more common amongst those with high intelligence...
oldirtybootz
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/29/2013 at 07:40 |
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I suffered from depression during and after high school. I thought my teenage angsty depression in high school was bad until my first girlfriend and I broke up and I lost my god damn mind. Thd feeling that you have no worth and that everyone would be better off without you is a terrible one. That year or so after we broke up is like a blur to me, between trying to get her back, being used by other girls, the suicidal feelings, and the drugs and drinking. Eventually I started to feel better on my own, and then I met my current girlfriend, buy I wish I had some secret tips for you. Truth is I'm probably still prone to it, and I'd hate to think what would happen if we ever break up for good. If you ever need anyone to talk to though, we're here for you.
Roberto G.
> davedave1111
12/29/2013 at 08:33 |
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Truth that should be carved in stone.
Only the idiots are always happy.
KnowsAboutCars
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/29/2013 at 08:39 |
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I wish you can overcome these feelings.
I myself have been through pretty rough shit that has fucked up my life apart from the relationships with my friends for the last 3 years. It's been though especially since it doesn't have anything to do with me making wrong decisions. I'm actually sometimes wondering how it's possible that I'm not depressed by all that.
But that said I have made a new years promise to get everything back in order in my life and I genuinely wish my best to you. You and me, let's make our lives better next year!
With-a-G is back to not having anything written after his username
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/29/2013 at 10:14 |
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I personally have never been diagnosed with depression, but I have friends and family who have, and who have sought and received help. There is no shame in getting the help you need, and believe me, not only will you feel better having effective treatment, your family and friends will be blessed by having you back.
In the short term, you should be encouraged that some backwoods corner of the internet has people who care about you. Imagine how much your close family cares, even if they aren't saying it so directly.
AM3R
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/29/2013 at 14:19 |
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Hey man my brother was feeling a lot like you.
Just know that life is like a bow, it always pulls you back so you can fly forward. Just give it some time and have some hope, see a doctor. It'll help. Every single person on earth has someone that cares about them.. They may not show it at the moment but trust me, someone does.
chiefstinky
> davedave1111
12/29/2013 at 20:40 |
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I don't know if it's depression, but I recommend, like the others, to have a professional take a look. If it is depression, there is medication and therapy that can make a difference.
Hang in there, we're all here for a reason, it might just to enjoy a nice car. How silly is that? Take care of yourself, and keep us posted.
JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/30/2013 at 00:41 |
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Same here; I would recommend seeking help. I wish I would. (That sounds funny, but I have no time and have been awake for 20 hours...)
Good luck to ya and I hope things work out.
aquila121
> Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura
12/30/2013 at 01:18 |
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Many people have said so, and I'll back it up: there's nothing wrong with searching for people to help you through this, the goal is to get you feeling better and to alleviate whatever has you thinking this way.
Right before college, I had a rough couple of years with some aspects of my family life. I tried to just duck my head and get through it, but my outlook had some moments where things got pretty bleak. After mentioning it to a doctor, he tried starting me on anti-depressant meds; at the heart of it, I knew somewhere that it was my internal view of self that was distorted, not just some chemical imbalance (not saying you'd be the same, just that it was an aspect of my problem I was fairly sure of).
I finally started talking to a counselor about where my head was at, and it did wonders. My two sessions a month were like a high point of my week—I felt like a weight was lifted off of me by simply having someone to offload the feelings off to, to hear him help me right my perspective of self and where I fit in the world. Yes, I have some work remaining to go, but I wish you the same success that I had.
My TL; DR summary: On a long enough timeline, positive things have a way of showing up—just stick around so that you can see what they are. In the meantime, your friends and family probably care more than you're able to clearly see right now, and even random strangers like us want to see you happy again. Find your support system— don't retreat away from it, even though it seems easiest. Use it, and I think you'll find that you can work your way back to how you'd like to feel.